Unexpected Grief

When Grayson was a baby, Ryan and I used to do this silly little thing where we would name his pajamas and make a big deal about which ones he was going to wear that night. These were his “Emergency Transportation Jammies” and were one of our favorite pairs.

We have been passing around G’s clothes to a friend with a little boy and then on to cousin Theo, and had a bag returned to us the other day. I was looking through the clothes and found the jammies. Instead of passing them on, I thought it would be cute for Charlotte to wear them, since they are just her size. I think this is the first time she’s ever worn any of Grayson’s old clothes, except for some newborn sleepers. Yeah, I think they’ve been washed a few times!

It’s funny how grief hits me at the most unexpected times. As I was snapping pictures of my girl in her brother’s pajamas, my stomach turned when I realized how odd it seemed to see a little person walking around while wearing them. They look so different on Charlotte than they did her brother. Of course, my memories of Grayson wearing these are of him laying down, or holding himself up in the excersaucer, like in the picture above. Then tonight, when I went to find that picture of G, I noticed it was dated just a week before he turned 18 months. Charlotte will be 18 months in a week. The kids are exactly the same age in these pictures. I had to triple check the math, because my mind just couldn’t process it- they just couldn’t be the same age here. Yep, they are.

I think of how busy Charlotte is right now; how she doesn’t slow down or stop for a second. She’s an almost 18 month old acting exactly how one should act at her age. At 18 months, Grayson was still a baby. At almost 4 years old, he’s still a baby, just in bigger jammies.

Again, I am humbled and grateful for the gift of my daughter, and that she is in fact, a girl. I know had she been a boy, there would be many, many more moments of sadness like this one, and I would be more inclined to compare my children than I do now.

It’s just a worn out pair of pajamas, but it’s crazy how it’s made me realize how different the experiences of caring for my children have been. And as Charlotte gets older, those differences get more and more pronounced. And I’m allowing myself to still be a little bit sad about that tonight.


  1. Erin on July 14, 2014 at 2:33 am

    Grief (over anything) tends to hit hardest over the small moments, a memory, or a pair of pajamas. I am thankful everyday for C and for what she has brought to your family, but I know the sadness around their differences will always be there, tucked away or to come flooding out at a trigger. Love you…

  2. lindsey on July 14, 2014 at 2:36 am

    Touched by you, your transparency, your words.

  3. Esperanza on July 14, 2014 at 4:39 am

    Abiding with you during these moments of grief. Let yourself feel them, even if it's hard.

  4. J o s e y on July 14, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    Hm…I'm not sure if blogger ate my comment or what. I just wanted to say that I totally understand those sudden moments of grief that are triggered by the most random things. I'm so sorry that you have to live through this life of 'what ifs” and sadness about Grayson. Thinking of you…

  5. Down On The Farm on July 14, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    Prayers for you my friend. You are entitled to feel sad. That's “normal” whatever that is. I hope you have a blessed day :0!

  6. allthesunforyou on July 15, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    That's tough for sure.

  7. The Martin Family on July 15, 2014 at 10:09 pm

    I love the PJ story and I love that in some really weird way they are normal siblings – sharing clothes. You guys are always in my prayers and thank you for always sharing. It's nice to know you're not alone.

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