Why I Need to Invest in Waterproof Mascara
I hate crying in front of other people- I get so embarrassed, which makes it harder to stop crying. For some reason, if I’m going to have a meltdown, it’s always at church. I should know by now to carry tissues in my purse, as I’ve been losing it at church for years. So I always either end up squeezing my tear ducts in a feeble attempt to stop their production, or trying to wipe away the tears with my fingers. Then I end up with an anxiety attack the rest of the service wondering if I have mascara all over my face and/or if anyone is going to ask me if I’m okay (No, I’m not, but don’t ask me about it!).
Last Sunday, during the communion song, I felt it coming. The wave of salty liquid that would fill my eyes as I would will it not to spill over on my cheeks. FAIL. I knew my dreaded part of the service, even on a non-crying, happy day, was coming next- the Fellowship Greeting. I know, I’m not supposed to feel any negativity about a part of a worship service, but I have always found Fellowship Greetings to be AWKWARD and for this shy girl, extremely anxiety-inducing. Also, sidenote- I am NOT a germophobe but I always feel an intense need for hand sanitizer after shaking strangers hands in church- but then, do I look rude if I pull it out of my purse? I left the room quickly, hoping not to draw any attention to myself. Then I went and cried in the bathroom stall as two silly tweens laughed in front of the mirror for what seemed like forever- (where were their parents?!).
Why the meltdown? I can’t pinpoint an exact cause, or trigger- cliche, but I think I just reached my breaking point. I’m stressed- about Grayson’s development, his new eating issues, his lack of a real diagnosis. I’m worried about money. I’m stressed about my marriage-marriage is hard enough when you add a baby, but then navigating this completely foreign territory- a baby with a disability-well, it’s just hard. I’m stressed about the dogs- I love them and they are truly family members, but they are a lot to handle and take care of.
I know I need to take care of myself emotionally. Writing on this blog helps a lot, and all your comments on my posts are so appreciated and I thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. I am also going to go back to the counselor I went to a few years ago, just to get some of this stuff straightened out in my head. She saved me in a very dark time a few years ago, and I am really glad I’m going to have the opportunity to talk things out with her again.
Next Sunday is baby dedication day- so NO crying in church this week. At least from me. Now Grayson in church for an hour- another story, I’m sure.
Love you. Wish I could give you a big hug right now
how exactly do you "squeeze" your tearducts? made me think of how i have "squeezed" in a fart at church.LOL;)hopefully baby dedication sunday will be all smiles! 🙂
Sorry you had a bad day. :o( Totally understandable and it is bound to happen every now and then, one can only be super strong for so long. Here if you need to talk.For sure give yourself permission to cry at his dedication, what a beautiful thing, welcoming your child into the church community (or at least I assume that is what it is). I literally started to cry as we sang the opening blessing at Sophia's baby naming, just the thought of having this beautiful child, welcoming her into our religion, the family there to witness it, it was too much. So tuck some tissues in your purse, and be kind to yourself. Sending hugs over the internet. xo-
Absolute dittos to Michael-and-Erin's comment. There will be LOTS of tears on Sunday, for LOTS of reasons, and it's all just fine. You just reminded me to have some extra kleenexes up front.I'm sorry if I contributed to making today difficult… Do you have time to read? I have a book you might enjoy.
Your blog is so honest and inspiring. You and Grayson are my heroes! And I HATE fellowship greeting too so you're totally not alone!
Sorry you're feeling emotionally vulnerable right now. That is a difficult place to be. I think it's totally understandable that you do feel that way. It's stressful raising a baby that doesn't have special needs, I can't imagine what it's like when you have to deal with specialists and therapy and no clear diagnosis. The uncertainty must be overwhelming. I must say, you seem (from your blog) to be handling it beautifully. Everyone is going to have difficult days, don't be too hard on yourself for that.I'm glad you're going to talk to someone. That has always helped me. I still see my therapist once a month and it's always breath of fresh air for me. I'm so thankful to have her in my life. I hope your meeting is helpful for you.Thanks for all your wonderful comments on my blog. I can't tell you how much they mean to me. I'm so thankful to have found you.
Oh Elizabeth. I completely understand that feeling of being overwhelmed by many things at once. It is so hard… all of it. Hang in there, my friend. ~Naomi
Thinking of you. Although I don't know exactly what yo uare going through, I do know how overwhelming all of this can be. You are in my thoughts.