How to Be a Bad Dog…by Izzy Baker
My mom and dad are constantly telling me that I’m a bad dog. It’s true- I’ve perfected the art of being naughty. I used to want to keep my secrets to myself- to be the reigning Queen of Bad Behavior foreeeeevvverrrr (because of course, I plan on living forever, if for no other reason to drive mom and dad nuts until they die), but then I decided that I’m bad, but not altogether selfish. So I thought I’d hijack the blog today (I watched mom and memorized the password) and let you in on a few of my tricks.
|See? No one would know I am BAD just by looking at me!|
Oh, before I begin, I must tell you the most important secret. If you follow all my rules, but don’t do this, the whole scheme will backfire. You will end up banished to the backyard, a “free to a good home” ad on craigslist, or sent to a “farm”. You MUST at all times, be completely, irresistibly adorable. Practice, practice, practice, and hone those skills- you know, the head tilt with the big, “innocent” eyes, the head on your mom or dad’s lap as they watch TV, the cute little ball that you sleep in, etc, etc…Don’t forget…be CUTE. Got it? Ok, let’s proceed.
Rule #1- Whining. You must whine any time you want something. Start off softly, just enough volume to get their attention. If they don’t give in to your demands, turn it up a notch. The higher the pitch the better. Be persistent- the payoff may not be immediate, but eventually you will get what you want. Example: when my mom and dad got married, they agreed- no dogs in the bed. Of course, they also didn’t want to listen to me whine from the other room all night long (and by all night long, I mean literally all night long). Well, here we are and guess who has the prime spot under the covers in the king size bed? Hint- it’s not my well behaved sisters or that goofy bloodhound.
Rule #2 Bathroom Habits. Now, read carefully- this is important. The key to this one is to be about 75-80% reliable on your housebreaking. Don’t go peeing and pooping all over the house EVERY time you need to go- that’s just barbaric. I recommend once or twice a day in the house, and mix up your location to keep it interesting. When you do go outside like you are “supposed” to, take forever. I know, sometimes you just gotta go, but if you are serious about being a Bad Dog, suck it up and hold it! Walk around the yard, sniff, circle, walk back to the door like you want to go in, make them take you BACK to the grass. Repeat this several times if you can. This works even better in inclimate weather- trust me. But if you really can’t hold it, fine, pee right away, but then go poop in the bedroom as soon as they let you back in the house. And I hate to even share this, because it’s so genius, but I will. What I do to really drive them up the wall is I absolutely refuse pee in the backyard (whine, whine, whine- all these rules are not mutually exclusive), which forces my mom to take me to the front yard on a leash. This causes great chaos in the house because my sisters and brother think we are going somewhere. If you do this, don’t forget to take your time out front too.
|Baby feet taste delicious!|
Rule #6 Develop a Signature Annoying Habit. You know, chewing slippers, darting out the front door, chasing the mailman. Mine is licking. I act like a convulsive crazy person anytime anyone picks me up and cover their faces with my sweet kisses. I also like to lick feet, heads, arms…yeah, I know, it sounds disgusting, but you gotta do what it takes to be Bad. Oh and now that there’s a sweet little baby in the house, it’s especially fun to lick him, which drives them nutty.
So there are some Rules to get you started. I know, it’s overwhelming to think of the work ahead of you. It’s worth it though…SO worth it…Muwahahaha.