I signed up for NaBloPoMo, and I’m both really excited and terrified. I’ve always wanted to do a challenge like this (blogging every day for a solid month, weekends and holidays included) and I know if I succeed, I will be so glad that I did. But for the love, what am I going to write about for 30 days? Actually, I have a LOT I’d love to write about but I’m not sure if I should write about half of it. But I probably will, because 30 posts is a lot to hold back on what I’m really thinking.

When Grayson was a baby and we were in the process of him being diagnosed, I couldn’t get enough of blogging. Everything was new (both motherhood and special needs) and writing about it totally helped me process the new life I was thrown into, unprepared. Now, six years later, everything isn’t so new, and how many ways can you write about a life of diapers, vomit and grieving the loss of a life you once thought you’d had? (Ok, so maybe there’s a lot more to say about that last one).

If I step back and look at the whole picture, I do love my life. I have three gorgeous, silly, sticky, wonderful kids who I am immensely thankful for. I just sometimes have trouble looking at the whole picture. Day to day, minute to minute, things are hard. Physically hard, emotionally hard. Just hard. Exhausting. Something or someone always needs cleaning, and someone’s always needing or wanting something.

But I’m working on it. I know, I know I know there will be a day where I will look back at pictures of these chaotic days and will give anything to have them back. So maybe, this blog and the memories it preserves, not only of my children but of my evolution as a mother and a person, will bring me joy on those days. So here’s to 30 days of real, of honest, and of preserving the memories of this crazy time.