A Not So Great Start to the Year
February 1, 2016
Grayson is sick. He’s been throwing up green bile and has been pretty miserable. We’ve been running Pedialyte through his tube all day and watching him closely for worsening symptoms. Normally, we would be in the ER, but are just waiting it out for now (and praying) because a hospital stay this week seems logistically impossible. But in reality, I’m giving it a 50/50 chance we’ll be there tomorrow.
Thanks a lot, January. Good riddance.
This month has been stressful. I spent the majority of my time and mental energy trying to figure out why my precious little baby, whose babyhood is so fleeting, was so damn unhappy most of the time. It seemed like his constant crying was the soundtrack to days where I was literally being pulled in three directions by three children who required their needs be met RIGHT NOW. And it felt like I bounced from one tiny person to the next, triaging their issues, but never really parenting any of them well. And every night, as soon as the third one was safe in her bed, I collapsed into mine, dead asleep most nights by 7:30.
I saw my doctor the other day about this- anxiety and possible depression. Apparently going to bed this early (and not wanting to do anything other than sleep) isn’t normal at 5 months post partum, and I’m still in the window where I can be diagnosed with PPD. And while I feel like I’m suffering more anxiety right now than depression, I’m being proactive in treating it. And I’m only putting this out there because I know a lot of people have such a hard time talking about it and don’t get the help they need (looking back, I absolutely had PPD after Grayson’s birth and traumatic first week of life, but felt shame and embarrassment and didn’t get the help I should have, ugh). This time though, I was honest with my doctor about what’s going on, and already feel so much better for being proactive about it.
Thankfully, Nolan seems to be (maybe) turning a corner. Thank God. I took him to the doctor a little over a week ago- our pediatrician wasn’t in, but after days of constant screaming I was desperate to see anyone who could help. The doctor we saw was the exact opposite of helpful. She was so fixated on the fact that Nolan hasn’t had any vaccines that she couldn’t seem to focus on anything I was saying about the actual reason I was there, which had absolutely nothing to do with contagious disease. And it didn’t help that the little toot was happy as a lark and smiling the entire time we were talking.
I left the doctor absolutely livid and with nothing but a copay, parking charges, and an unhappy baby. I immediately called the chiropractor who my friend had recommended. Long story short, my high maintenace little guy is now seeing the chiropractor three times a week. And while I didn’t see a miraculous change all of a sudden, he’s slowly but surely becoming more content and a much better napper. My A-ha moment of the week has been the 7:00 am nap. Nolan normally wakes up around 5:45 and we come downstairs about 6:00, when Grayson’s nurse leaves. For weeks (months?) I’ve been incredibly stressed trying to get everyone fed, dressed and out the door, all while Nolan cried nonstop. But the last four mornings, I’ve nursed him when he’s woken up at 6:00 then given him a bottle and put him down for a nap at 7:00, and he’s slept for at least an hour and a half every time! I’ve also been more diligent about putting him down for naps throughout the day at approximately the same time. I’m realizing that this little baby requires much more scheduling and structure to his day than my other two did, which isn’t really in his job description as the third child. He’s not really a “go with the flow” kind of guy, and it’s forcing me to drastically change how we do our days. For five years, I’ve gotten out of the house almost every day, and now, for this season and this child, I don’t think I’m going to be able to do that. This is causing me some anxiety and guilt because I feel like Charlotte is going to be missing out some, but we will make it. And slowing down and spending more time at home probably is a good thing for me.
I just wish “home” wasn’t here. After three months on the market, our house hasn’t sold. We are in such limbo- our current house is not working for our family’s needs for so many reasons, we have to keep it show-ready, and yet we still have to live here. And I just don’t think I’m doing a very good job most days of balancing it all- living in the present and yet planning for what we think our future is going to look like.
All this to say, I’m glad January is on its way out. I still have such high hopes for 2016- bigger and better things for everyone in my family- and I hope those things start to happen in February. Tomorrow is a new day!
Sending you lots of love, light, and massive hugs!!!
Such a real post. I struggle with post pardum anxiety. It's the real deal.
I will pray for you.
^^i thought that first post said she was sending hugs and a massage. ya know that might not be a bad idea! some days i think a massage and an epic nap would solve everything. 😉
all joking aside, hope february is an improvement and G gets better soon! and you take care of YOU!
Praying G-man gets well quickly! Love your heart and your behind the scenes honestly! You are all loved!
Oh E. This has been so, so hard. I'm stressed out just reading this! I can't imagine how you are managing. You are a rockstar. Truly. I'm so glad you got help for yourself. Of course you're struggling! The anxiety must be overwhelming. That pediatrician makes me fucking furious. Gah! Why are so many of them so incredibly unhelpful! I'm so glad you found help elsewhere. I hope you keep seeing improvements with your sweet little man. And I hope Grayson gets well soon. You have so much on your plate. I hope something gets resolved soon.
Some doctors are so awesome . . . and some so HORRIBLE!! Mark her off your list and never go back!! Prayers for life to smooth out for you my friend. But I do want to remind you of something . . . there is no “normal.” What's “normal” for your life might look different than everyone else's normal and that's O.K. Staying home and not leaving the house every day isn't automatically bad . . . just like getting out isn't automatically good. Take it one day at a time. You are a GREAT MOM and your kids are blessed to have you!!! Prayers for you Elizabeth!
I so appreciate your vulnerability. I have also struggled with anxiety and there is nothing wrong with seeking guidance! Good for you for stepping out there. I know that life is throwing some crazy punches right now, but God is faithful and He is surely carrying you through each day. You are a wonderful Mama and God placed those children in your life for a purpose. You're doing a fantastic job Elizabeth! Thank you for sharing your heart and your frustrations. It's good for Mamas to lean on one another. Thinking of you and praying for you. Hope February is better 🙂 We too, had a rough start to the year as we've spent 5 weeks with EVERYONE but me sick, it's not easy! Hang in there, and draw your strength from the Lord…He will always have your back!