Ten Toddler Truths
1. There is an inverse relationship between the amount of time you spend on a meal and how well your child eats it. And no matter what you make, Annnimaaaaal Craaaaaackerrrrrsss will be what she really wants.
2. You will feel like the world’s best parent and just know your daughter is destined for greatness when her church nursery teacher tells you that she’s “really good at following directions”. Seriously, it will make your day. For about three minutes. Until she hits you in the face when you tell her to let go of her stuffed dog so you can buckle her carseat.
3. Daylight Savings is an evil, evil monster that will steal your good sleeper and never give her back. And you will never sleep past 5:30 AM again. The End.
4. Your child will be the one laying down on the stage during the preschool program. It’s ok. No one’s looking at her but you- everyone else is watching her own kid.
5. Cheerios spilled on the dirty driveway is a National Emergency and every single one must be painstakingly picked up, put back in the bowl, and consumed. The same thing happens 10 minutes later in the living room. Meh. Mom will pick them up at some point.
6. You will find stickers stuck to everything. Everything. And a torn sticker is another example of a National Emergency.
7. The more time and effort you spend cleaning the house after the kids go to bed, the faster (and earlier, see #3) it will look like this the next morning:
8. Toots are really, really funny. At least you can teach her to say “Excuse Me” when she’s finished laughing about her ability to pass gas.
9. You will have every intention of being a really good parent who keeps her child rear facing until at least two. Because, SAFETY. But then eventually hearing shrieks of protest and begging to sit in brother’s (forward facing) carseat every minute you are driving will make you incredibly tense and stressed and you realize that it would probably be safer for everyone if you turned her around at 21 months. And then you will feel guilty for approximately 0.037 seconds until you turn around and see how happy she is. And how quiet it is.
Also, forward facing her at 21 months has got to be safer than her poor baby who hangs out in the engine.
10. You will simultaneously want to sell her to circus and have ten more just like her.