5 Days

My sweet Charlotte is 5 days old today. I promise I will write her birth story soon, when I get the chance between feedings, laundry, diapers, and all the emotions that come with having a 5 day old.

Oh the emotions. There are the typical weepy, overwhelmed, exhausted feelings- sure, I expected those. But there are the ones I didn’t expect, the ones that have made me deal with what happened two years ago, when Grayson was a newborn.

Charlotte had a checkup yesterday with the pediatrician, to check her weight and just make sure everything is ok- it is. The nurse took her temperature and I asked what it was. When she said “98” I started bawling, and couldn’t stop. I was having a major flashback of Grayson’s first checkup when his temperature was 94.9 and at first the nurse thought something was wrong with her thermometer.

I’ve been crying about it off and on ever since. Charlotte wakes to eat, is breastfeeding like a champ, is peeing and pooping regularly, and is basically doing everything a healthy newborn should do.  This has made me incredibly happy, amazed, and relieved, but also so, so sad.

I’m sad because I never really realized how not okay Grayson was from the very beginning. He didn’t eat because he couldn’t, not because I wasn’t making milk. He was so weak and little and his brain never told his body to wake up to eat. And he wasn’t eating enough to wet his diapers, so he got dehydrated and cold.

I am so sad for that little baby, the one who no one knew was fighting an awful disease from the time he was born.

So today, while I’m celebrating and relishing the beauty and miracle of this newborn…

I’m also grieving for this one.

17 Comments

  1. KC on January 26, 2013 at 2:44 am

    I can only imagine how emotional you must be feeling and the contrast between the two experiences must be hard to process. Thinking of you and your family at this bitter sweet and incredibly wonderful time in your life. Those are two beautiful babies you have been blessed with!

  2. Stephanie on January 26, 2013 at 2:55 am

    The emotions of a newborn are hard enough, without the flashbacks to your first baby and his issues. I'm sorry that you are dealing with all of that right now, but Charlotte is just beautiful!

  3. Erin on January 26, 2013 at 3:47 am

    Oh my dear, thinking about you often. What an emotional time this is with a newborn, and to add in the memories and the unknowns of two years ago. Let yourself grieve and feel whatever you need to. I am thrilled C is doing so well, beautiful picture of her! Love you-

  4. Kyla on January 26, 2013 at 4:04 am

    Oh, sweetie! I had the backwards experience and I still missed it with K. I just thought, "She's different. She's just not as quick as he is!" for the longest time. You are such a wonderful mother and both your sweet babies are so lucky to have you. This was so moving, you definitely have a way with words! You guys are in my prayers, as always!

  5. 3 Bed, 2 Bath, 1 Baby on January 26, 2013 at 4:12 am

    All those feelings are totally ok to feel. Hang in there.

  6. Esperanza on January 26, 2013 at 5:25 am

    Oh Elizabeth. What complicated feelings. Totally understandable. I'm so relieved that C seems to be okay, that she's eating and gaining well. It makes my heart sing. She's gorgeous. Sending love to all four of you. Give Grayson a kiss for me and rub your nose in Charlotte's sweet hair for me. ūüėČ

  7. andmom on January 26, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    This makes me so sad not just because … well, it's sad, but … because no one warned you. I had the same problem. I sat bawling, unable to go to the nursery to get my baby because that's where things had happened. It was awful.It gets better though. It starts becoming about this new PERSON who is fully distinct and stops being about "the baby" that's still a little blurred around the edges. Hang in.

  8. Coco on January 26, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    Oh sweetie! Just big *hugs* to you!!! In a much smaller way, I've done the same thing with my little girl because her big brother couldn't eat at all for the first 2 years, thankfully it wasn't anything as big as Leigh's, but somedays I still just sit and cry when I feed her real food and she's chewing and swallowing and demanding more. I also grieve for myself, for the trauma it was to have a child who couldn't eat, all the worry and the feelings of failure.What a little champ Grayson is! He's been fighting so hard for his entire life. He is amazing! I am glad that Charlotte is doing so well already! It is such a relief, and such an emotional time. She is just gorgeous!!! That picture is just like, out of a magazine. Beautiful! Hang in there mama. Get some sleep, if you can. And allow yourself to cry when you need to. We're all here for you!

  9. Becky on January 26, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    Oh, that grief. It hits at the most unexpected times. Feel it and try to let it go. It's so many big feelings all at once. One is bound to feel overwhelmed at times. Snuggle those babies, mama.

  10. Anonymous on January 26, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Hugs to you and your sweet babies! It is so hard to reconcile how things are so easy for some and so very hard for others especially the most basic things like eating and growing. I pray that you will give that to God because I am not sure any mother can reconcile that from this side of eternity. I pray that you will find joy in the smallest of things with Charoltte – and that you will find courage, joy and Gods presence as you reflect on your journey with Grayson. Thanks for sharing and know that you are the perfect mommy for both those little souls!Bridget

  11. allthesunforyou on January 26, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    Oh, Elizabeth, this breaks my heart. I am so glad that Charlotte is doing so well, and I'm sad with you that Grayson didn't get to experience the same things that she is. You had no idea what was going on with Grayson back then, but you did everything you could to figure it out. He loves you endlessly for that. He KNOWS you did everything you could to help him back then.Much love to you!

  12. Anonymous on January 27, 2013 at 1:15 am

    Elizabeth, You have so so so many people that care for ya all. No one can say how you feel, unless it actually happens to them, and we can only imagine your fears. Do not blame yourself, God has the entire world in his hands. (he must be a very big God). Grayson, knows that you and Ryan take the best care of him, and he loves you for that…..Hugs, Joy

  13. Emma G on January 27, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Two beautiful children with such beautiful names. Two kids to have such a great family to belong to. I think of you and your sweet family often..

  14. Amber on January 28, 2013 at 4:36 am

    You're babies are both sooo beautiful. I felt super guilty about the newborn experience with Paisley because she was just so tough. She cried constantly, threw up multiple times a day and never slept at all. And when Graham came along and was so much more enjoyable, I felt that I had failed her. The newborn phase is a highly emotional one. Try to just enjoy your kids for their own special uniqueness.

  15. The Martin Family on January 28, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    Thinking of you and your family always. Hindsight's always 20 / 20 and you are amazing parents. I'm so incredibly overjoyed to hear that she's a feeding champ and that Grayson got his big boy swing (and most of all, for the motor!) Let me know if you need anything.

  16. Down On The Farm on January 30, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    Lots of emotions that I can't begin to imagine. I've not been through anything like that. But I am so THRILLED for your beautiful newborn baby girl. What a precious gift EACH of your children are!!

  17. J o s e y on February 5, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    I've been thinking of you ever since I read this post. It's such a beautiful, tragic juxtaposition of emotions that you are going through. You have a healthy little girl. Rejoice! They are both such gifts in your life.

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