Everything's Changed, Yet Nothing's Changed
It’s an interesting thing, having your entire world turned upside down, and yet at the same time, remain exactly the same.
This has been a horrible and devastating, normal week. After Tuesday, we still got up way too early, listened to Veggie Tales way too many times, and drove way too many miles to and from school. We had therapy, cuddled a lot, and giggled and cried. Grayson was adorable and difficult. Normal.
Right after I called Ryan on Tuesday and broke the terrible news, I immediately took this picture and texted it to him. I just love this picture and can’t stop looking at it- how cute is my goofy toddler who had no idea he had just an hour before been given a crushing diagnosis?
My family has received so much support this week and we are so grateful. Your blog comments, FB messages, phone calls, texts and prayers have made this awful news perhaps a little more bearable. My mom took Wednesday off to spend the day with us, and when she returned to work yesterday her students spent the first few minutes of the day surrounding her in prayer. So many people around the world are praying and thinking about us and G and we feel so humbled and blessed.
At the same time, I feel distant and removed from it all. I just can’t wrap my brain around it. I read and reread all your comments and it feels like I’m reading them about someone else. I just can’t believe this really could be true. How can this be true? This can’t be happening to my family, to my baby. I can’t even imagine him not being with us forever. I think about him leaving us and I start to cry, but I cry because I think, wow, that would be really horrible if that happened- not when it happens. Is this the denial stage of grief?
I am seeing my counselor on Monday, and I want a plan. I don’t want to just sit on her couch and cry and feel sorry for myself- I can do that at home for free 🙂 I want her to help me find the best ways to go forward from here- to make the most of whatever time we have with Grayson- whether it be a year or many more.
I spent the day with one of my closest friends and we talked a little bit about making the most of the time we have and creating special moments and memories. She suggested doing a photo a day. This probably won’t be too hard, considering I take so many as it is, although I am NOT a photographer. But I did create a little photo op during bath time tonight- I was singing and Grayson was laughing, so I gave him a shampoo mohawk. I love being silly with my G-Man.
This weekend, we have plans to be normal. Ryan is coaching football, I’m working, and I’m taking Grayson to a birthday party for one of his buddies tomorrow. We’ll go to church, listen to a lot of Veggie Tales, and I’ll attempt to start organizing Grayson’s birthday party. And I’m hoping it doesn’t end this weekend- I’m hoping we can just be normal for long, long time.