I Don't Know What I'm Doing

This kid of mine. Oh my goodness. I am overwhelmed by his sweetness, his precious personality, and well, his cuteness. But I am also overwhelmed that he’s on his own growth curve and timetable, and his body does not play by the rules.

Most days, I feel good. Competent. On top of things and doing what needs to be done for his specific needs. Today is just one of those days where I think, I’m screwing him up. I have no idea what I’m doing.

A lot of this still has to do with food. I screwed him up in his first days with our horrible breastfeeding fiasco, and thinking about it still gives me anxiety. I hate that when we have another child, if I am able to  breastfeed, it won’t be without fear. And now I feel like I’m screwing him up because he’s not eating the right solid foods.

Yesterday I “shared” some turkey with him- he loved it. Kept opening his mouth for more. I was so excited, thinking we’d reached a new milestone (bites) but then he leaned back, and I saw the entire hunk of turkey- on the roof of his mouth. He didn’t swallow a bit of it. He could have choked. Anxiety.

This morning I tried to feed him a Stage 3 Sprout meal, with chunks. He’s been receptive to new foods if he’s on my lap, so I got out the bib and burp cloth and we got to work. One bite, and he gagged, cried and vomited EVERYWHERE. Sigh. So into the booster seat we go and he polished off a bowl of porridge (the only thing he will consistently eat, complete with Mmmmms).

I let him play with his food at lunch, which was hilarious (and I got some precious pictures, but I know you’ve seen more than enough pictures of my child covered in food)- but how much did he actually ingest? He ate porridge for dinner, but I did manage to hide half a pouch of vegetables in it.

Then there’s his motor skills- he’s still not sitting on his own. I’m trying to stop wondering when that’s going to happen, because I’ve been wondering that for a long time now. And then, once he is sitting, it’s going to be something else.

I’m trying to get him to say “Mama” or “Dada”. But every time I say one of those words, he laughs. Hmmm…

I have page after page of therapy write ups, with instructions, suggestions, and goals. And yet, I feel clueless. I don’t know how long to let him fuss while we’re working, and how much I’m supposed to do for him versus letting him figure it out on his own. I’m still not satisfied with the nutrition advice we’re getting, and yet, a lot of what I’m trying on my own isn’t working.

Grayson is so special, and I’m so honored to be his mom. And yes, I know I am doing my best and I’m doing a good job. I just want to do the best job. And I want him to swallow his food and not throw up when he doesn’t like something. Is that too much to ask?


  1. basebell6 on August 19, 2011 at 1:45 am

    you are allowed to have good days and bad days! but remember you are doing an awesome job with him even on the bad days!!!! he'll get there; if nothing else you are learning an extraordinary lesson on patience. the results will be that much sweeter.

  2. Esperanza on August 19, 2011 at 5:10 am

    There are so many times when I feel I don't know what I'm doing. And there are times when I mess up so badly that I don't trust my ability to protect my daughter from harm. The reality is we are all human beings doing the best we can at this mothering thing. We are bound to mess up, it is inevitable. Human beings are fallible, above all else. But we are also persistant and hard working and caring and undeterred in the face of adversity. And for those reasons we are good parents, in spite of everything working against us.I hope you have more good, confident days than not.

  3. Erin on August 19, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Motherhood is full of doubts and especially when they are young, we don't really get any feedback, and really no report card until they are what? 18 and grown? All we can do is try our best and follow our instincts and just keep trying. Sorry the food issues have come up again, frustrating to say the least. Sorry it was a bad day, I hope that today goes smoother and you feel more sure of yourself, as one friend told me once, "They won't remember a single day in their childhood, but rather the overall feeling of it", perhaps not exactly spot on here, but you get the idea. Oh, and I think you are doing THE best job, not just your best, but THE best…really, I do. xo-

  4. Sarah on August 20, 2011 at 3:34 am

    None of us know what we're doing. And we think we will know it all with our second babies, but guess what – they'll be totally different babies and we'll have to learn our lessons all over again in their way. But you are amazing, Elizabeth. I second Erin's last sentence a million times over!

Leave a Comment