I Don't Know What I'm Doing
This kid of mine. Oh my goodness. I am overwhelmed by his sweetness, his precious personality, and well, his cuteness. But I am also overwhelmed that he’s on his own growth curve and timetable, and his body does not play by the rules.
Most days, I feel good. Competent. On top of things and doing what needs to be done for his specific needs. Today is just one of those days where I think, I’m screwing him up. I have no idea what I’m doing.
A lot of this still has to do with food. I screwed him up in his first days with our horrible breastfeeding fiasco, and thinking about it still gives me anxiety. I hate that when we have another child, if I am able to breastfeed, it won’t be without fear. And now I feel like I’m screwing him up because he’s not eating the right solid foods.
Yesterday I “shared” some turkey with him- he loved it. Kept opening his mouth for more. I was so excited, thinking we’d reached a new milestone (bites) but then he leaned back, and I saw the entire hunk of turkey- on the roof of his mouth. He didn’t swallow a bit of it. He could have choked. Anxiety.
This morning I tried to feed him a Stage 3 Sprout meal, with chunks. He’s been receptive to new foods if he’s on my lap, so I got out the bib and burp cloth and we got to work. One bite, and he gagged, cried and vomited EVERYWHERE. Sigh. So into the booster seat we go and he polished off a bowl of porridge (the only thing he will consistently eat, complete with Mmmmms).
I let him play with his food at lunch, which was hilarious (and I got some precious pictures, but I know you’ve seen more than enough pictures of my child covered in food)- but how much did he actually ingest? He ate porridge for dinner, but I did manage to hide half a pouch of vegetables in it.
Then there’s his motor skills- he’s still not sitting on his own. I’m trying to stop wondering when that’s going to happen, because I’ve been wondering that for a long time now. And then, once he is sitting, it’s going to be something else.
I’m trying to get him to say “Mama” or “Dada”. But every time I say one of those words, he laughs. Hmmm…
I have page after page of therapy write ups, with instructions, suggestions, and goals. And yet, I feel clueless. I don’t know how long to let him fuss while we’re working, and how much I’m supposed to do for him versus letting him figure it out on his own. I’m still not satisfied with the nutrition advice we’re getting, and yet, a lot of what I’m trying on my own isn’t working.
Grayson is so special, and I’m so honored to be his mom. And yes, I know I am doing my best and I’m doing a good job. I just want to do the best job. And I want him to swallow his food and not throw up when he doesn’t like something. Is that too much to ask?