Thoughts for Today
Ryan and I volunteered in the church nursery this morning. Ryan kind of grumbled about it, but I think he enjoyed it once he got there and got to play with some of the babies. Grayson doesn’t really “play” yet and I know Ryan’s looking forward to the day when he can push buttons on a toy, roll a ball, and stack blocks.
We were originally scheduled to help in a class with toddlers, but they were short-handed, so we ended up in Grayson’s class, which is a combination of little babies to early walkers. It was so interesting to observe and interact with these babies for an hour and to see what skills they have and how they interact with each other and their toys.
I know I’ve written about this before, but it’s really hard not to compare Grayson to other babies. Well, I shouldn’t even say really hard, because for me, it’s impossible. I forget, or it’s just not at the forefront of my mind most of the time, how different Grayson is. First, he’s just so tiny. When I’m with him all day, he doesn’t seem all that small (in fact, he’s nearly tripled his birth weight, which seems astounding to me), but when I see someone else holding him next to another baby, I realize how itty bitty he is. Second, obviously his development is delayed. I know, duh. But again, when I’m at home working with him, he’s just Grayson- not “Grayson laying next to baby who is meeting his milestones on time”.
The other day on the Today show, there was a woman who admitted that she never liked her child. As I watched the segment, I just grew angrier and angrier and so sad for her little girl. When she was a baby, she wasn’t meeting her milestones and had some social and emotional delays as well. The woman was disgusted and disappointed that her daughter wasn’t normal. I am anything but disgusted and disappointed with Grayson. I think he is the most precious, amazing baby in the world and I love him so much more than I have words to express it with.
No, I’m not disappointed for him, but I am worried about his future. I’m so scared he’s going to stay tiny, and especially with him being a boy, I’m worried about him being made fun of. Both Ryan and I love sports, and I want Grayson to be able to play if that’s what he wants to do, and it will break my heart if he physically can’t. I’m really worried about school- the way education funding is being cut, I’m not sure public school is going to provide what my son is going to need, and private school is not exactly in our budget.
I know- he’s not even 9 months old yet- BREATHE, Elizabeth. I’ve got to pace myself- I think tomorrow I’ll go back to worrying about when he’s going to sit up on his own (because that day will be so nice!)
I read an article by that lady and it infuriated me. How often are our children what we expect? It's not their job to live up to our expectations – it's our job to love them regardless! You are such a wonderful mom to Lil' G, and I know you'll be his biggest and brightest champion. And thank you both for helping out with my little stinker in the nursery today!
I think it's totally understandable that you're already thinking of all of these things. You're an amazing mom who wants to be prepared for whatever might come Grayson's way. That makes sense. But, you don't know what struggles Grayson will be dealing with, not specifically, so once you need to make sure your worry doesn't move you from "being better prepared" to just "spinning your wheels anxiously". It seems like you're still in the first category but it's easy to move into the second. And you know what, all mom's compare their kids. We understand where people are by comparing them to others. It's just human nature. So go easy on yourself. You're an incredible mother and Grayson is SO very lucky to have you.
Worry is a lot of parenting…because we just want the best for them, want them to be liked, want to take away any hurt or pain. They always say your child is your heart walking around outside your body, and I think that is so true. The future is unknown, and all we can do is love love love them, and help them be the best that THEY can be. G will get there…first sitting up…next stop softball. :o)
Grayson is so lucky to have you as his mom!! I haven't been around much, but what I have seen of you is awesome!! I loved seeing you the last couple of weeks!
i read that article in a magazine too about that lady. maybe some of her wires are crossed in his brain (you know like PPD). i think it is natures way; linking mothers to their babies with the strongest love imaginable. something was off with that lady.i too have recently noticed my child is super small; but hey he is a 11 months old and the weight of an average 6 month old. grayson is amazing and cuter than all those church babies are anyways. you are a great mommy!
I saw that segment, too, and I was furious. As Basebell said, at first, it really did seem like the woman was suffering from PPD… but as her story went on, I realized that she was just a horrible person. The issues she described her daughter having, clearly indicated that her daugher had developmental issues, and the very fact that she blamed her daughter instead of being her advocate brought out hatred in me. (And when she started talking about the connection she had with her second "normal" daughter? Don't even get me started.)That morning, I thought of you. I thought about how you are Grayson's best advocate. How you are constantly pushing for answers to get him the best care possible, and perhaps more importantly, how much you love him and praise him for who he is and what he CAN do. You're an amazing mom, Elizabeth and your grace and love for your baby just radiates through this blog. I love reading it.We all compare our babies…it's impossible not to, and that's ok. A close friend of mine has a baby that was born a week after Liam and her daughter has been crawling since she was 6 months old. Liam's nearing 9 months and is close, but not quite there. Sometimes I worry that he's falling behind in some way, but then I remember all of the things that he can do that she can't. They'll all get there in their own time.
I wish I would have seen that segment! I think that parents of children with special needs all grieve differently. God gives us our children with their own needs, special or not, because He made us to be their mommies and them to be their children.Someone once said that they don't understand how I can handle Em's seizures. I don't even think about it anymore – it is just a part of our lives. But there are other things in parenting that I don't do so well with – like puke:-)Grayson is incredibly lucky to have you – you are an awesome warrior for him!