I’m sitting on my couch, watching CNN, getting more and more angry about the events that unfolded today. It’s senseless. I have no good words, only rambling thoughts.

Grayson has been having some weird neurological stuff going on the past two weeks. He’s had 3 full blown seizures, plus some what we think is seizure activity making his body jerky and restless. None of it is life threatening itself (we hope) but is just another reminder that he is sick. I don’t often let my mind go to the place where I wonder how long he has to live on earth, but unfortunately, that question is part of our reality.

I had an OB appointment this morning. It was good. I am measuring right on track, heartbeat is perfect, and my doctor remarked that I am as big now (at almost 33 weeks) as I was when I delivered Grayson. We talked about parts of my birth plan, and I left feeling optimistic and more hopeful than ever that I am going to deliver a healthy baby- a baby I won’t have to wonder how long s/he will live.

Then the news broke about the elementary school shooting. I don’t know if all the children killed were healthy, and it really doesn’t matter. They are gone.

My friend K posted this truth this afternoon: Doesn’t matter if you have sick kids or healthy kids…none of us have any guarantees about what tomorrow holds. Such a heartbreaking reminder to be thankful for each and every moment we are blessed to share with these precious little loves.

And I am so, so thankful. Thankful that at least I had today with my little guy, and today with this other little love growing inside me. And I am so, so sad and sorry that there are 26 families in Connecticut that didn’t get to have today.

I took Grayson this afternoon to get his blood drawn and held him tight through his screams and tears, holding his tear stained, sweaty body against mine when it was over, assuring him he was ok, that it’s all ok. But really it’s not ok. It’s not ok that not only does he have to fight against a disease that is destroying his body, but that he has to live in a world where evil lurks around every corner, and not even school is safe.

I’m so saddened and disgusted tonight.